The Special Two
by lizardwriter
Summary: Naomily oneshot set post s4 ep 3, so SPOILERS for series 4 thus far. Just about them dealing with things. Please Read and REVIEW! Disclaimer: I don't own Skins or the song lyrics in the story.


A/N: Set after s4 ep 3, so there are spoilers if you haven't seen it. Title is from the Missy Higgins song, "The Special Two" as are the lyrics in italics in this piece and the summary. Sorry if my writing isn't up to par. Currently have pneumonia, so that's my excuse. Special thanks to miss_peg for suggesting the song to me to begin with.

* * *

_I've hardly been outside my room in days,  
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.  
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,  
And it was then I realized the conscience never fades.  
When you're young you have this image of your life:  
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.  
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,  
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.  
But I will fight for you, be sure that  
I will fight until we're the special two once again._

_  
_---------

Naomi savours the burn of the whiskey as it travels down her throat into her chest as she clutches the bottle tightly, just to have something to hold on to. The burn is the only warmth she gets to feel these days, either internally or from Emily. It's the only one she deserves to feel.

She takes another swig as she sits, huddled in the corner of her room on her makeshift bed, staring at the slender frame of her girlfriend sprawled out on what used to be their bed. She knows that she's lucky that she can still even refer to Emily as her girlfriend. It's more than she could've ever hoped for. So much more than she deserves.

She closes her eyes, welcoming the total blackness as she takes yet another swig. She knows that once the alcohol wears off she'll feel everything all the more acutely again. The guilt at knowing what she's done. The guilt over the pain she's caused Emily. The guilt over the lies she's told. The guilt in knowing that she's betrayed the one person she truly loves, who truly loved her. (It hurts her to think that last part in past tense, but she can't find any signs of any love that Emily might've once had for her anymore.) The disappointment in herself over the principles she'd thought she stood by so firmly, then had discarded so easily for one stupid, slightly drunken mistake this summer. She doesn't drink wine anymore. It's too painful now. So whiskey is her new and only friend. Well, besides Cook, who's in jail.

Emily won't look at her anymore. They coexist in an almost suffocating silence. Naomi doesn't know how long she can keep going on like this, but on the other hand, she can't lose Emily and she said she'd do anything, so she doesn't know how to stop going on like this.

Naomi hates leaving her room even more than staying trapped in it, dancing the little dance that she and Emily have almost perfected, but that will never feel as natural as any of the dances they used to do together, bodies moulding into one another's fluidly. Outside in the harsh light of day, Naomi feels like her sins are reflected out into the world, and the warm rays of the sun feel like they're burning her very soul. She may as well have "cheater" stamped into her forehead in big bold letters as far as she's concerned. It's made ten times worse by how almost normal Emily acts around her when they're around other people. They walk next to each other, almost touching, occasionally brushing hands, though Naomi knows she no longer has the right to reach out and take hold of one. The true distance between them though can't be seen by the naked eye. It's felt instead. And nobody else seems to have felt it. Except Cook, but admittedly he had to be told first.

Not even the infallible Effy seems to have noticed the change. Probably because these days she's a bit too preoccupied with being in love with Freddie. Shame that, Naomi reflects, because Effy's possibly one of the few people she might've been able to talk to about this.

She opens her eyes again and immediately her gaze falls back on Emily, curled into a tight ball and facing away from her. Naomi's not sure if Emily's asleep, and what kills her most is that she has no right anymore to find out. All she wants to do is go and curve her body around Emily's feeling the warmth from her body, wrap her arms round Emily, hold her close, and whisper in her ear how much she loves her, how she means the whole world to her, how she never wants to let her go. Naomi wants to lie there, stroking Emily's vibrant red hair, the only real splash of colour in her room these days, and plead with the girl to never let her go, to never leave her, because she knows without a doubt that it would break her so completely. Even this non-existence, this purgatory that they've settled into has to be better than just not having Emily at all.

She takes another large gulp, feeling the dizziness that means that her sense will be dulled ever so slightly for the next hour or so...as long as the whiskey lasts really. Shame that it wouldn't dull the guilt, the heartache, or the regret.

She allows her eyes to drag over the still figure of her girlfriend, taking in every curve of her body as if she doesn't already have them memorised. She remembers how it felt to slide her hand along the bare slit of skin between Emily's top and her knickers, remembers the soft skin of her stomach, the curve of her breast (even though she can't see it from the angle she's at), remembers the taste of her skin when there's a thin sheen of sweat after she's been completely satisfied. The thoughts make her wet even as a tear trickles down her face and she closes her eyes, willing herself to be silent as a sob wracks through her. She opens her eyes a few minutes later when she's gotten back a little control and forces herself to stare hard at Emily.

"I'm going to fight for you, Em. I'm going to make you believe in me again. I'm going to make you believe in us again," Naomi whispers her promise out to the eerily still bedroom. When all she hears in response is Emily's heavy breathing, she assumes that Emily's asleep, but it doesn't matter really because it was as much a promise to herself as one to Emily. She goes to take another swig and stops as the bottle touches her lips. The whiskey's not going to help anything. Not really. She brings the bottle down and screws the cap back on and sighs softly. She's made a decision, and she's going to stick to it. She knows she's got the strength to. She's done it before for causes far less important to her.

This is Emily. This is her world. This is a cause she can't afford to fuck up anymore. So she promises herself she'll fight for it.

-------

_I remember someone old once said to me:  
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."  
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,  
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.  
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?  
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.  
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,  
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down  
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again._

----------

She's up before Emily the next morning and she finds her nerves on edge. She can barely breathe and her hands shake horribly as she slips downstairs and makes some tea. She takes a cup up and places it on her bedside table, then settles back into her little nook, sitting cross-legged, waiting for Emily to wake up. She hopes desperately that she hasn't waited too long to do this.

Emily rolls over a few minutes later and her eyelids flutter open as she arches back in a stretch. Naomi can't help her eyes straying down to Emily's pert breasts, but she refuses to be strayed from the task at hand.

"You're beautiful," Naomi murmurs, and Emily starts. The surprised look on Emily's face only accentuates the silence that has lingered too long between them.

Emily's eyes turn away from Naomi's face a second later, as if it's painful to look at her, and Naomi feels her heart clench in sadness.

She sips at her tea as she waits patiently for Emily to fully wake up, stretch, yawn, sit up in bed and prop up the pillow behind her to lean against, each movement remarkably graceful. She watches as Emily notices the tea and her eyes flick in Naomi's direction just for a second. Emily reaches for it and starts to sip at it slowly, not looking anywhere but down at the tea.

Naomi waits until Emily's drunk a bit of the tea before she takes a deep, shaky breath. "Em?" she begins softly, and Emily flinches at her name.

She doesn't look at Naomi, but Naomi can tell from the slight tilt of her head that she's listening.

"Can we talk?" Naomi requests, because she needs to ask, can't just assume. She has to make sure that Emily will let her talk to her.

When Emily doesn't respond immediately, Naomi continues, "I think we need to. I think not talking is destroying us."

She watches Emily take a deep breath and sees it's as shaky as her own had been. "I just woke up, Naoms," Emily sighs, and it's the first time that Emily's used her nickname since this all came out so Naomi can't help feeling like it's a small victory, or at least a small sign of hope.

"Please," Naomi asks, and her voice is rough, hoarse as if from disuse.

"Not right now," Emily shoots her down.

Naomi closes her eyes to try to keep the tears that threaten from falling and she shakes her head, unsure if Emily will see, but not being able to talk at that precise moment, because what had felt hopeful a second before now feels like epic failure. She promised herself she'd fight though, and she's not about to back away from the war for Emily's heart just because one battle seems lost, so she presses on. "Soon?" she pleads, opening her eyes and looking back at Emily, willing her to say yes with her entire being.

Emily finally looks up and meets Naomi's gaze, and Naomi's breath catches and she'd think that maybe her heart had stopped if she couldn't hear it pounding so loudly in her ears, but it just aches to have Emily's sad brown eyes meeting hers. "Yeah. Ok. Soon," Emily agrees and Naomi decides that maybe the battles not a total loss after all.

----------

Soon turns out to be two days away when they get home from school. Naomi heads to the kitchen to start on her politics homework and give Emily the space to go to their room and do whatever she wants to do, but Emily follows her into the kitchen and lingers in the doorway.

Naomi looks up at her expectantly, but Emily just opens and shuts her mouth mutely. Naomi knows it's up to her to start this, and even though she's gone over hundreds of scenarios in her head, thousands of things that she'd say to make everything all better, she knows now in the moment that almost all of them would simply fall flat, sound lame, and probably only serve to make matters worse in the end. She knows she has to choose her words incredibly carefully, but nothing that comes to mind seems like enough.

"Tea?" she offers lamely in the end and Emily nods and seems relieved that she doesn't have to start their conversation.

Naomi stands and fills the kettle, trying to get her breathing under control as she does so. She leans awkwardly against the counter and Emily leans against the wall opposite her, the table safely in between them. When the water's boiling, she pours it into the pot and automatically steeps the English breakfast (Emily's favourite) in it. When the tea's done brewing, she pours two cups and sets Emily's down on the table before leaning back against the counter and sipping on hers.

Emily takes her tea and resumes her spot against the wall. "I don't know how to forgive you, Naomi. I don't know how to get over it," Emily says, voice barely above a whisper after a few minutes of blowing on her tea.

Naomi feels her heart sink right through the ground. "I don't know how to forgive myself either. I don't think I can," Naomi admits and she's surprised when that makes Emily take a few tentative steps in her direction.

"I just don't understand, Naomi. How could you...Why...But then part of me thinks I don't really want to know the answer," Emily stares firmly down at the cup of tea in her hands.

"I was...I..." Naomi opens her mouth to try again, but she can't just spout that she was scared. That didn't go over all that well the first time around. "I don't have a good reason, Emily. I don't have any reasons that make it even remotely right. All I have is what I feel."

"So what do you feel Naomi?" Emily's hoarse voice asks, and Naomi hears the tears that are threatening just in the redhead's voice.

"I feel like I'm the world's biggest shit. I feel like my world's crashing down around me because I screwed over the one person in it that actually matters," Naomi feels the tears starting to burn down her cheeks and she puts her tea down on the counter to wipe them away. "You're everything to me, Em, and I will never ever forgive myself for hurting you like I have," Naomi says as she unthinkingly takes a few steps towards Emily, starts to round the table. She's rewarded when Emily looks up at her, tears streaming down her own cheeks and doesn't back away as she approaches. Naomi can only think that she needs to keep pouring her heart out. To put everything out there so that she is completely vulnerable, because then maybe Emily can start to have a little faith in her again. Maybe if Emily has faith in her, she'll be able to get faith back in herself. "You're the only thing that matters and I know that words sound hollow but if you give me a chance I will prove everything I'm saying to you. Emily I don't think that I can handle not having you in my life and I'm so sorry that I hurt you and that it took me fucking up so badly to realise just what it might be like to lose you, but now that I know, I never, ever want to experience it again. I wish that you could feel inside of me how much I love you, feel the love that constricts my chest and makes it hard to breathe but in the most amazing ways. I wish there was a way to make you trust me again. More than anything I wish that I could go back in time and change what I did. Lots of things I did, like pushing you away at the very beginning because you are the best thing that's ever happened to me and I should have known that from the start," Naomi continues as she takes small steps towards Emily, closing the distance between them as much as she dares.

Emily is still staring back at her, eyes wide and watery. Naomi pauses a few feet away from Emily and just looks at her. She remembers the promise that she whispered to a quiet room the night before and thinks it's worth repeating. "I'm going to fight for you Emily. I'm going to fight for your trust. I believe in us. We're special, the two of us. I'm going to do my best to make you believe that again."

Before Naomi can register what's happening, Emily's arms are wrapped tightly around her waist and Emily's face is pressed firmly against her chest as sobs wrack through the girl's fragile frame.

"I want to believe you, Naoms. I want you to prove those things to me. I want you to fight for me. Please, please fight for me," Emily begs through her tears and Naomi holds her as tightly as she can, relishing in the first real touch they've shared in weeks.

"I will. I promise I will," Naomi whispers as her tears drip off her chin and she burrows her face in Emily's hair, breathing it in deeply.

"I'm fragile, Naomi. I break. Please don't break me again," Emily pleads.

"Oh Em...I don't want to. I won't. I love you so much. If you break, then I break too," Naomi confesses.

Naomi walks Emily awkwardly into the living room and they collapse on the couch together, not detaching from each other in the slightest. They simply hold each other as they cry, letting out tears that they've both been repressing. Naomi kisses Emily's head over and over again, holds on tightly and tries to remember to breathe.

"This won't be easy. Or quick," Emily's muffled voice reaches Naomi's ears.

"I know," Naomi replies into Emily's hair. "I don't care. You're worth waiting for. We're worth working hard for."

Emily breathes a deep ragged sigh. "You broke my heart."

"I know. I broke mine too," Naomi admits.

They stay huddled on the couch together for what feels like hours, crying until there are no tears left to cry. Emily detaches herself slowly then, looks at Naomi with bleary eyes and smiles at her for the first time in weeks. Naomi feels her heart melt and soar at that one small gesture. Emily stands and reaches out a hand for Naomi. Naomi takes it and stands as well.

Emily leads her upstairs to the bedroom and Naomi's about to let go and head to her makeshift bed because she's suddenly completely drained after their incredibly emotionally exhausting afternoon, but Emily's fingers don't let go. Naomi turns to her questioningly, but Emily just nods towards the bed.

This is another concession that makes Naomi's heart sore. It makes her think that she's passed the turning point in the war for Emily's heart.

Emily turns to face her and kisses her hesitantly on the lips. Naomi can't help that her body immediately responds before her brain does and she pulls Emily in closer, kissing back harder, as if her lips have been starving for Emily's, which they have been. Naomi's brain kicks in and she pulls away with a last tender kiss and she bites her lip and looks down at Emily.

Emily manages another smile, then lies down on her side of the bed. Naomi takes the unspoken invitation and lies down next to her, wrapping her arms around the smaller girl like she'd fantasised about only a few days before. Her arms mould instantly into place, fitting so perfectly into Emily that she can't understand why she could ever have fought the idea that they didn't belong together. She breathes in the smell of Emily, thinking that she'll never get enough of it, and she squeezes Emily just a little bit closer to her as the rest of their bodies mould together as well. She hears Emily breath a deep contented breath and she smiles into the redhead's hair.

Naomi's almost drifted off into the first easy sleep she's found in weeks, when Emily's voice brings her back to consciousness.

"You really think we're still special?" Emily inquires sounding incredibly vulnerable.

"I know we are," Naomi assures her and Emily nuzzles backwards into her a bit more. "Just you and me. The two of us. We're special. I promise."

_And we will only need each other, we'll breathe together,  
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,  
When we're the special two.  
And we can only see each other we'll bleed together,  
These arms will not be taught to need another...  
'cause we're the special two._


End file.
